Karen's Big Joke Read online

  For Elisa Geliebter, with thanks

  Contents

  Title Page

  Dedication

  1 McBuzz’s Mail Order

  2 Cartwheels

  3 Old Friends, New Friends

  4 The Beautiful Family Contest

  5 April Fools’ Day

  6 The Mail Truck

  7 No Fun

  8 “Look at Me!”

  9 Karen’s Big Joke

  10 Head Up, Back Straight

  11 “Made You Look!”

  12 Beware, Karen!

  13 The Gymnastics Team

  14 Finalists

  15 The Big Fuss

  16 The Giggles

  17 The Disaster

  18 The Biggest Mess

  19 The Pig Family

  20 April Fool!

  About the Author

  Also Available

  Copyright

  McBuzz’s Mail Order

  Hello. My name is Karen Brewer and I just love holidays. I love any special day. I love my birthday and Thanksgiving and Halloween. And I love little holidays like May Day and April Fools’ Day. Right now I am excited because April Fools’ Day is coming. I cannot wait to say, “April Fool!” when I play jokes on my friends and the people in my two families.

  I am in second grade and I have a very wonderful teacher. Her name is Ms. Colman. Ms. Colman likes holidays, too. She told us some things about April Fools’ Day. She said that people in many countries celebrate the day, but no one is sure how April Fooling first began. One April Fool story is about a king who lived a long, long, LONG time ago. King John was angry at the people in a little town in England. So he sent one of his officers to punish them. But the people found out about his visit. When the officer arrived, the people were doing silly things, such as rolling cheeses down hills. The officer thought the people were fools, so King John decided not to waste time punishing them. Maybe King John was the first April Fool!

  Today, everyone likes to play tricks and jokes on April Fools’ Day. These are some good jokes: Put salt in the sugar bowl. Send someone on a silly errand. Hide a rubber spider under your sister’s pillow. But … Ms. Colman says always remember that April Fooling is supposed to be fun. You are not supposed to play tricks that are too mean or scary. And of course, you should never play a trick that could hurt someone.

  I could think of lots of April Fools’ Day tricks to play. So could my second-grade friends. And so could my brothers and sisters. McBuzz’s Mail Order is a catalog. It is just full of gigundoly wonderful tricks you can order. The people at McBuzz’s mail your tricks to you. (That is why the catalog is called McBuzz’s Mail Order.) I had spent a lot of time turning the pages of the catalog. My little brother, Andrew, had done the same thing.

  “Look, Karen!” Andrew would say. “There is a fake ice cube with a fly in it. If you put it in someone’s drink, he will think a fly got in the ice cube tray! He will say, ‘Ew, ew!’ and then you will say — ”

  “April Fool!” I supplied. “And look. Here is trick soap. When someone washes with it, his hands turn blue!”

  Andrew giggled. Then he pointed to another picture in the catalog. “What is that?” he asked. (Andrew is only four. He cannot read yet.)

  “It is a squirting camera,” I told him. “See? You hold it up to someone and you say, ‘Cheese!’ and when the person stops and smiles, you press the button, and the camera squirts water in his face!”

  “Cool!” cried my brother. “I want to order that.”

  I wanted the camera, too. Plus, I wanted this very gross plastic bug. The bug was huge. It was called a cockroach. It would be good for hiding, like in the soap dish or maybe in someone’s shoe.

  Andrew and I asked Mommy if we could each order three tricks for April Fools’ Day. Mommy said yes. I decided to order the cockroach and the trick soap and also some trick gum that would taste like pepper. Andrew decided to order the fly in the ice cube and a rubber spider and the squirting camera. He promised to share the camera with me.

  “Thank you, Andrew,” I said. “We will be able to squirt lots of people on April Fools’ Day this year. That is because we will be at the big house on April Fools’ Day. I already checked the calendar.”

  Cartwheels

  Maybe you are wondering what the big house is. The big house is my daddy’s house. My mommy lives in another house, a little one. My mommy and daddy are divorced. That is why they live in different houses. It is also why I have two families.

  Here is what happened. A long time ago, Mommy and Daddy got married. They had two children — Andrew and me — and we all lived in the big house. (Daddy grew up in that house.) After awhile, my parents decided they did not want to live together anymore. They did not love each other. They loved Andrew and me but not each other. So Mommy moved out of the big house. She took Andrew and me with her. She moved into a little house. The little house is not too far from Daddy’s. Both houses are in Stoneybrook, Connecticut.

  Pretty soon, Mommy and Daddy got married again, but not to each other. Mommy married Seth Engle. Seth is my stepfather. He moved into the little house with us. And he brought along his cat, Rocky, and his dog, Midgie. Now they live with Mommy and Andrew and Seth and me. Oh, and with Emily Junior. Emily Junior is my rat.

  Mommy’s house is a quiet place.

  Daddy married Elizabeth Thomas. Now Elizabeth is my stepmother. She moved into the big house. And she brought along her four children. Daddy’s house is noisy and busy! Elizabeth’s sons are Charlie, Sam, and David Michael. They are my stepbrothers. Charlie and Sam are in high school. David Michael is seven like me, but he goes to a different school. Elizabeth’s daughter is Kristy, my stepsister. Kristy is thirteen and she baby-sits. I love Kristy. Also, I am glad to have a sister.

  Wait. More people live at the big house. One of them is Emily Michelle. She is two and a half, and she is my adopted sister. Daddy and Elizabeth adopted her from a country called Vietnam. Vietnam is far, far away. Another person is Nannie. She is Elizabeth’s mother, so she is my stepgrandmother. Nannie moved in to help take care of Emily. (By the way, I named my rat after Emily.)

  Plus, some pets live at Daddy’s. Shannon is David Michael’s puppy. Boo-Boo is Daddy’s old, cross cat. And Goldfishie and Crystal Light the Second are the fish that belong to Andrew and me.

  Andrew and I live mostly at the little house and partly at the big house. We live at the big house every other weekend and on some holidays and vacations. In between we live with Mommy and Seth. Can you guess why I call my brother and me Andrew Two-Two and Karen Two-Two? It is because we have two of so many things. (I got the name from a book Ms. Colman read to our class. It was called Jacob Two-Two Meets the Hooded Fang.) Andrew and I have two houses and two families, two mommies and two daddies, two cats and two dogs. I have two bicycles, one at each house. I have two stuffed cats. Moosie lives at the big house, Goosie lives at the little house. Plus, I have clothes and books and toys at each house. I even have two best friends. Nancy Dawes is my little-house best friend. She lives next door to Mommy. Hannie Papadakis is my big-house best friend. She lives across the street from Daddy and one house down. Nancy and Hannie are in Ms. Colman’s class, too. We call ourselves the Three Musketeers.

  My life is quite busy. I go to school. I play with my friends. I travel back and forth between Mommy’s house and Daddy’s house. I write letters to Maxie. Maxie is my pen pal in New York City. Also, I take gymnastics. I have been taking gymnastics for awhile now. I finished the first beginners class. Now I am waiting for the second beginners class to start. I can do a forward roll and a backward roll. But — I cannot turn a cartwheel. Yet.

  Oh, well. A busy two-two cannot do everything.

  Old Friends, New Friends

  “Mommy,
my feet smell.”

  “Karen.”

  “Well, they do.” I was sitting on the floor at my gymnastics school. I was wearing my purple leotard and my pink leggings. And I was holding one of my feet up to my nose. I breathed in. “Oh, pew,” I said.

  “Honey, really,” said Mommy. “Is that necessary? Anyway, please do not worry about your feet. If they smell it is because you just took off your sneakers. You were running around in gym today.”

  “Yeah. Let your feet air out a little,” said Andrew.

  “Mommy, does he have to be here?” I asked. I pointed to my brother.

  “I don’t know what else to do with him,” said Mommy.

  “Maybe you could leave now,” I suggested.

  “I want to make sure you find your new class,” Mommy answered. “Then Andrew and I will leave.”

  We waited in the hallway at gymnastics school. We waited until I saw my teacher. “Hi, Miss Donovan!” I called. “Mommy, there is Miss Donovan. Now you can leave.”

  I followed Miss Donovan into one of the practice rooms. I could not wait to see the kids in my gymnastics class again. Here is who was in my first beginners class: Maria, Dana, Kitty, Scott, Taisa, Robbie, and me. We had so much fun together.

  I stood by the doorway and waited for Dana. But the first person who came into the room was a girl I had not seen before. Hmm. A new student. Well, Dana and I would introduce her to the kids in the class.

  The next person who arrived was another new kid.

  The next person was Jannie Gilbert. Jannie is in my class at school. But I had not seen her at gymnastics before.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked Jannie.

  “Taking lessons,” she replied. “Miss Donovan is my teacher. I am in second beginners now.” Jannie looked proud of herself.

  “Me, too,” I said. “I am in second beginners. But you were not in first beginners with me. You were not in my class.”

  “I know. The classes change,” Jannie told me.

  Boy, was she right. Here is who was in my new class: Sophie, Gregg, Polly, Gemma (four kids I did not know), Jannie, me, and Natalie Springer. Natalie is also in my class at school. She is nice. We are friends. But Natalie is a klutz. I could not imagine her doing gymnastics.

  We sat down. Miss Donovan welcomed us to our new class. She explained what we were going to learn. I tried to pay attention. But mostly I looked at the other kids. Then Miss Donovan said we would have a review.

  She asked us to turn a forward roll. I did a great job. So did Jannie and Gemma. (Natalie had to try twice.)

  Miss Donovan asked us to walk along the low balance beam. I did a great job. So did Gregg and Polly. (Natalie fell off.)

  Miss Donovan asked us to leap over the horse. (It is not a real horse.) I did a great job. So did Sophie and Jannie. (Natalie got stuck on top of the horse. She looked mad.)

  Then Miss Donovan asked us to try a cartwheel. I still could not do one. My hands and feet got mixed up. Everyone else could turn a cartwheel. Even Natalie. (Well, sort of.) I would just have to keep practicing.

  The Beautiful Family Contest

  “Who can play with me? Who can play with me?” I called.

  “I can play with you, Karen,” said Sam, “but I do not want to.”

  “All right, who wants to play with me?” I called.

  “I’m busy,” Charlie replied.

  “I have homework,” Kristy replied.

  “I am finishing my model airplane,” said David Michael.

  “I am trying to read,” said Andrew. (That might have been true. Andrew is trying to learn to read.)

  Emily Michelle was not busy, but I did not feel like playing with her.

  I sighed. Andrew and I were at Daddy’s house for the weekend. I did not know what to do with myself. So I wandered into the playroom upstairs. I flopped onto the couch. I picked up a magazine. It was a grown-up magazine, but I looked at it anyway. The magazine was called Beautiful Home. On the cover was a picture of a very lovely dining room. With very lovely food on the table.

  I opened the magazine and turned the pages. I saw lots of pictures of rooms and houses. The pictures were pretty, but they were boring. I was about to close the magazine when I saw the word CONTEST. I just love contests. I love them as much as holidays. So I stopped and read the page. This is what it said: Do you have a beautiful family? Beautiful Home is searching for the beautiful family of the year. Win prizes! Get your picture in our magazine! To enter, follow these simple directions.

  Guess what first prize was — a trip to Hawaii. I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I want to see a volcano. Also, I want to wear a lei. (That is a necklace made of flowers.) I want to put on a grass skirt and learn the hula dance.

  Second prize was a vacuum cleaner, and third prize was a hat or something. I did not care about the vacuum or the hat. But I wanted to go to Hawaii. So I read the instructions for entering the contest. I would have to write a short essay about my beautiful family, and I would have to find a picture of us, too. Those things were easy, I thought. But which of my families would I enter in the contest? I decided on my big-house family. I think it is a teeny bit more interesting than my little-house family.

  I found a pad of paper and began my essay. “I have one brother, three stepbrothers, one stepsister, and an adopted sister,” I wrote. “My family is very beautiful even if my brothers are rude. They embarrass me. Sam burps at the table. Andrew usually spills stuff in restaurants. But I love my brothers. I think we are a beautiful family anyway….”

  “Karen?” called Daddy. “Bedtime!”

  “Okay!” I called back. “Coming!”

  I gathered up the magazine and my paper. I had decided not to tell anyone about the contest. My brothers would tease me. They would laugh at me. They would say I would never get to go to Hawaii and dance the hula.

  I heard someone in the hallway.

  Yikes! What should I do with my contest things? I stuffed them underneath a cushion in the couch. I could get them the next day.

  I walked slowly out of the playroom. My heart was pounding. I had almost been caught! But when I ran into Sam, I just said, “Hi, Sam. Good night, Sam. See you in the morning.”

  And then I went to bed.

  That night I dreamed of leis and grass skirts and volcanoes.

  April Fools’ Day

  I like school. That is because of Ms. Colman. She is a gigundoly wonderful teacher. Ms. Colman hardly ever yells. She never makes kids feel embarrassed. She listens to us, she lets school be fun for her students, and she makes Surprising Announcements. (These are always good.) Sometimes Ms. Colman has to remind me to use my indoor voice when I am in school, but that is okay. I need to be reminded. I can get a little bit noisy. Lots of grown-ups tell me to use my indoor voice.

  Another thing I like about my teacher is that she wears glasses. So do I. I even have two pairs. (I am a glasses two-two.) I always have to wear one pair. The blue pair is for reading or doing close-up work. The pink pair is for the rest of the time.

  I did not used to need glasses. I just got them this year, in second grade. Before I got glasses, Ms. Colman let me sit in the back of our classroom. I sat with Hannie and Nancy. But after I started wearing glasses, Ms. Colman moved me to the front row. She wanted me to be able to see the blackboard better. (Our blackboard is green. I do not know why we don’t call it the greenboard.) All the glasses-wearers sit in the front row. The other glasses-wearers are Natalie Springer (the one in my gymnastics class) and Ricky Torres. Ricky and I used to be enemies. Now we are … married! We decided we liked each other, so one day we held a wedding on the playground. (We are just pretend married, of course.)

  Ricky’s best friend is also in our class. His name is Bobby Gianelli. Sometimes Bobby is fun, and sometimes he is a big fat pain.

  Like today in school. As soon as I came into the classroom, Bobby said, “Guess what, Karen. April Fools’ Day is coming.”

  “Duh,” I replied.

  “I
am going to get you.”

  “Well, I am going to get you back.”

  “I have big plans for you.”

  “I have big plans for you.” I thought for a moment. Then I added, “Hey, Bobby, wait a second. You cannot get me, and I cannot get you. April Fools’ Day is a Saturday. I know because I will be at my father’s house then.”

  “Uh-oh,” said Bobby.

  This was very bad news.

  “Hey, Hannie,” I said, as soon as she sat at her desk. “Bad news. We will not be able to play April Fool jokes in school. April Fools’ Day is a Saturday.”

  “Yikes,” said Hannie. “And I thought of some good tricks.”

  “Me, too,” spoke up Pamela Harding. (Pamela and I do not get along very well. Except for sometimes.) “I know a great joke to play.”

  “So do I,” said Hank Reubens and Leslie Morris and the twins, Tammy and Terri.

  “I have an idea,” said Nancy. “Maybe Ms. Colman will let us celebrate April Fools’ Day on Friday. You know, on April Fools’ Day Eve.”

  “Yeah!” I exclaimed. “We could do that. It would not matter.”

  As soon as Ms. Colman came into our room, we asked her about April Fools’ Day. She said we could play our tricks on Friday. She reminded us about not playing mean jokes and not hurting anybody.

  Whew. That was a relief. I could play tricks in school and at the big house. I paused. Hmm. Should I play tricks on my big-house family? After all, I had entered us in the Beautiful Family contest. I had finished my essay. I had found two good photographs. And I had mailed everything to the contest people. If my family was going to help me win a trip to Hawaii, maybe I should be extra nice to them.

  The Mail Truck

  “Thank you, Mrs. Dawes! ‘Bye, Nancy! See you later!”

  School was over. Mrs. Dawes had driven Nancy and me home. I ran next door to the little house. When I reached our front stoop, Andrew bounded outside.

  “Karen! The mail has not come yet!” he cried.

  “Oh, goody!” I replied.